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Competition: Christmas gobbledygook!
Congratulations to our winner, Michael Pritchard from Fisher & Paykel Finance, who turned the last verse of a popular New Zealand Christmas song into spectacular gobbledygook! He wins a copy of the Oxford Guide to Plain English and the Write Style Guide for New Zealanders.
Scroll down to read Michael's winning entry, our runners up, and a selection of other worthy entries! The original Christmas song:
The winning entryMichael Pritchard — Fisher & Paykel Finance On this, the twelfth day of the month of December in which the Christian holiday ‘Christmas’ (mass of Christ, as defined in Company Holiday Policy Manual version 8.8) befalls, we (ourselves, to wit: the company) hereby receive from our (the company's) foremost business partner giftage to the effect of:
Source: A semi-aquatic native New Zealand swamp hen, localised within the confines of a Ponga Tree (as specified in the above itinerary) version 1.0. Written 1981; Kingi Ihaka (publisher, editors, and assorted other collaborators unspecified). Runners upChris O'Gorman — Creative New Zealand On the twelfth day of Christmas My true love gave to me Twelve Review Findings Eleven Impact Measures Ten Outcome Targets Nine Non-financial Reports Eight Vision Statements Seven SOI Intentions Six Sector Consults Five K – P – I’s Four Business Plans Three Budgets Two Trim Lattes and One meeting in a Lambton Quay cafe Katy Jordan — Careers New Zealand On the twelfth day of the annual Seasonal festivities My long term conjugal partner conferred onto me Twelve oscillating piupius worn by the tangata whenua Eleven personal development sessions to master the art of haka Ten aquatic vertebrates with succulent heads and skeletal remains Nine sacks of edible molluscs otherwise known as pipis Eight puha plants from the edible Māori collection Seven eels of a predatory nature undulating in water Six spinning pois with patterns all rotating Five substantially obese bovine Four endemic wood-boring huhus Three learn-to-weave harakeke toolkits Two carbohydrate-dense kumara And a pukeko taking precedence in a silver-leaved ponga. Kristina Louis — Ministry of Agriculture and Forestry 1 Upon, or about, the dodecal diurnal unit of the Saturnalian holiday period, as reckoned by the Gregorian calendar, and where n=the same, that is to say, has the absolute value of 12, the second party, being verily the longstanding cohabitant of the first party, did bequeath or donate unto the first party, being myself: (1) n [12, twelve]*skirt-like garments of the Maaori or indigenous peoples of Aotearoa New Zealand, hand-fashioned in the painstaking traditional manner, of endemic flax (Phormium tenax), called ‘harakeke’, oscillating rythmically in the execution of traditional dance; (2) n-1 [11, eleven]*real-time, person-rich, interactive instructional episodes in the charming and expressive traditional dance of aforesaid indigenous peoples; (3) n-2[10, ten]*cephalous portions of generic piscine-derived pabulum, rich in naturally occuring fluids and compounds which give it an agreeable taste, and which are said to be a culinary delicacy amongst the aforesaid indigenous peoples; (4) n-3 [9, nine]*woven hessian flexible containers containing not less than 90% by volume of bivalve molluscan shellfish of the species Paphies australis, a type of edible clam endemic to Aotearoa New Zealand;** (5) n-4 [8, eight]*adult specimens of the genus Sonchus, an endemic sow thistle of the type that is traditionally boiled and served together with free-range wildcrafted porcine flesh (under section 8); (6) n-5 [7, seven]*live, wildcrafted, entire piscine specimens of the elongated Anguilliforme order, called ‘tuna’ by the aforesaid indigenous peoples, not to be confused with the English tuna fish, still exhibiting their natural behaviour of natation; (7) n-6 [6, six]*pendent balls, globular in shape and roughly the size of a human fist, traditionally constructed from the foliage of the flax bush or ‘harakeke’, but more commonly in these modern times from plastic carrier bags from ‘New World’ supermarkets, attached to a long braided rope, and used by skilled indigenous female dancers to accompany the execution of aforesaid traditional dance (in accordance with section 2), by flicking, tossing, catching, and oscillating these ‘poi’ with graceful and dexterous wrist actions, thereby accenting the rhythm and providing additional visual interest for the viewer; (8) n-7 [5, five]*excessively adipose, porcine mammals of unusually large size for their species, of the type that is often served cooked with the foliar specimens referred to under section 5, by the aforesaid indigenous peoples; (9) n-8 [4, four]*larval-stage juveniles of the longhorn beetle species Prionoplus reticularis, often wildcrafted and consumed in the unprocessed live state as a culinary delicacy amongst the aforesaid indigenous peoples; (10) n-9 [3, three]*sturdy hand-woven containers or bags, made in the traditional manner from the foliage of the flax bush or ‘harakeke’, and often used for carrying or storage of the aforementioned culinary delicacies and other foodstuffs or food products, the finished product being called by the aforesaid indigenous peoples, ‘kete,’ and often called by the non-indigenous population by the anglicised pronunciation of ‘kit’; (11) n-10 [2, two]* a brace of starchy orange- yellow- or purple-fleshed root vegetables of the family Convolvulaceae, commonly referred to by the denizens of Aotearoa New Zealand as kumara, often misspelt as ‘kumera’ [sic], interestingly related to morning glories, and which are the equivalent of ‘sweet potatoes’ or ‘yams’ to non-Aotearoa-New Zealand citizens; (12) n-11 [1, one]* an ornithological singularity, of the species Porphyrio porphyrio, strikingly coloured in glossy cobalt and scarlet hues, known in the indigenous language of Maaori as ‘pukeko’ and otherwise referred to as the ‘New Zealand swamp hen’, residing in an indigenous ‘tree’ in reality a fern, of the species Cyathea dealbata, commonly known as the silver fern (not to be confused with the New Zealand national womens’netball team of a simlar name, except capitalised and in the plural, viz. the Silver Ferns). Note that this is not the habitual habitat of aforesaid fowl, especially as it is not of the passerine genus, and occurs in this context merely as a fanciful example of poetic licence. **gathered under traditional quota rights, and therefore not subject to the requirement to operate under a registered Risk Management Programme (RMP), registered by MAF (food safety). However, recreational gatherers of shellfish and seafood should exercise caution to avoid performing these activities in areas that have been previously and currently notified as subject to marine bioxin alerts. Note that the current limit is 50 specimens per person per day. The ‘Nine (9) sacks’ quoted in the song represent either poetic hyperbole, intended to illustrate the largesse of the giver, or a gross transgression of the law, irresponsibly endangering the future sustainability of our natural resources. Disclaimer: This information does not constitute any conceivable kind of advice and is provided solely for entertainment purposes. The writer and his or her employer are not responsible for any loss or damages incurred by the reader, caused by deliberately concentrating and inhalating of the contents of this spoof. Keep out of reach of children. If swallowed, do not induce vomiting. The writer is not a practising lawyer, computer software coder, or ethnographic historian, and claims no skill in accurately misrepresenting legal or any other style. The writer believes the above style of pastiche is referred to in the common parlance as a ‘mash-up.’ Notable entriesAnn Ball — Statistics New ZealandThe receipt of the extraordinary gifts was completed on the duodenary day of the northern hemisphere winter solstice celebration when my totally enamoured significant other transferred to my humble abode the following items: a dozen Maori dance kilts occelating rhythmically; one tutorial in the method of dancing performed famously by the New Zealand Rugby Union team just before each competitive game for every member of a soccer team; the same number as the atomic value for neon of succulent topmost parts (including eyes and brain) of an unknown member of the gill-bearing aquatic vertebrate family; slightly less than ten containers constructed from hessian of Paphies australis, which he had gathered using a permit issued by the Ministry of Fisheries; an octet of sow thistle bushes; a heptad of aquatic animals, probably anguilla dieffenbachii,, moving through aqueous liquid; half a dozen tethered weights swinging through a variety of rhythmical and geometric patterns, a handful of extremely large obese porcine animals !; a quartet of Cerambycidae larvae; a trio of small woven baskets made from the blades of Phormium tenax; a pair of Ipomoea batatas and a Porphyrio porphyrio melanotus in a medium-sized tree fern endemic to New Zealand. Trish Cross — NZ On Air On the twelfth day of Christmas On the day after the eleventh day of the twelfth month of Noel My true love gave to me My betrothed did hereby devise and bequeath unto my personage Twelve piupius swinging One dozen swishing skirts ornately decorated Eleven haka lessons One score and one tutorial on the traditional Maori haka Ten juicy fish heads Ten delectably moist heads of finned aquatic species Nine sacks of pipis Nine hemp bags of grand proportions containing shellfish sourced from the ocean therein Eight plants of puha Eight native edible botanicals grown at the side of fresh water creeks Seven eels a swimming Seven alive freshwater snakes (locally known as tuna) Six pois a twirling Six orbs attached to twine spinning in an elliptical direction Five - big - fat - pigs ! Five obese swine Four huhu grubs Four larvae of the huhu moth Three flax kits A triptych of containers made of flax Two kumera Two sweet potato native to specific countries And a pukeko in a ponga tree! And a bluebird with red feet and a fern Melanie Mayfield — Ministry of Agriculture and Forestry Upon day XII following the annual commemoration of the birth of Jesus Christ, begotten of Mary, in a building usually reserved for the accomodation of animals in the town of Bethlehem, the celebration of which, despite being reported as actually occurring in spring, is timed to coincide with the Northern Hemisphere midwinter, thus absorbing pagan festivals such as Yule and consequently celebrated in midsummer in New Zealand, the following items (listed in descending order of quantity) were delivered to the author by the individual whose existence induces the production of high levels of dopamine as well as adrenalin and serotonin in the brain of the author, and with whom quantities of oxytocin and vasopressin are regularly and enjoyably produced: XII garments that hang from waist manufactured from Phormium tenax (harakeke) and which are worn when moving rhythmically to music, said items being mobile in a pendulum-like manner XI pedagological sessions regarding the performance of the traditional Maori war challenge X portions of a taxonomically unidentified species of aquatic gilled vertebrate, consisting of the proximal segments forward of the gills and in a fresh and succulent condition IX large (id est of sufficient dimension to be considered an exceptional gift although also sufficiently small to enable carriage of each by a single individual) rectangular receptacles traditionally made from a flexible material such as jute or sisal fibre but now usually made from petrochemically-derived synthetics and containing the bivalve mollusc Paphies australis VIII entire plants of Sonchus oleraceus consisting of the root, stem and leaf but harvested prior to the production of floral parts, at which point the plant becomes bitter to the taste VII Anguilla sp. (either A. dieffenbachii or A. australis) moving in the liquid chemical substance consisting primarily of molecules each made up of a single oxygen atom bound to two hydrogen atoms, but also including suspended sediment, chemical contaminants and a range of microorganisms VI stringed spherical objects used in Maori dance (as defined in the first listed item) and traditionally constructed from the fibre (muka) of Phormium tenax and the inner stem material of Typha orientalis although now more commonly made from durable modern materials which may include lights plastics, wool and processed cellulose fibres V Sus scrofa of large size (live weight >110kg) and with substantial quantities of adipose tissue relative to their surface area IV larval stages of the cerambycid beetle Prionoplus reticularis III ketewhairo, which are, like the first and seventh items listed above, manufactured (literally, as no mechanical means of either constructing the receptacle or processing the fibre has yet been devised) from the lamina of Phormium tenax but in this case softened by scraping against the calcareous exterior of Perna canaliculus and then woven into a receptacle II subterranean tubers of Ipomoea batatas I Porphyrio porphyio melanotus in a plant of Cyathea dealbata which is mature and thus with a substantive trunk leading it, though technically a fern, to be defined as a "tree". Libby Passau — The University of Auckland On the twelfth day of Christmas My true love gave to me Twelve euphoric esquires Eleven beauteous barmaids Ten parsimonious politicians Nine garrulous gossips Eight hyperkinetic horsemen Seven imperious infidels Six fetid footmen Five jocular journalists! Four disputatious divas Three salacious salesmen Two bumptious bosses And a pedant in a Cyathea dealbata tree! David Mackenzie — Attto On the penultimate day of the holidays His partner endowed the narrator with A dozen oscillating verdant sarongs Half a chain’s worth of opportunities to self-empower while gurning A decade of pithy piscean apices A triple triplet of bivalves An octet of sonchian herbs A natating anguilliformian septet A brace of triads of vorticising phormian pilae A quintet of obese swine A cerambycidean foursome Triple hempen impedimenta Twain herbaceous tuberosities In association with a purple swamphen in a kyatheoid arboretum. Tanja Gardner — Vitaco Health (NZ) Ltd On, around, or in the approximate temporal vicinity of the duodecal terran revolution of the popularly celebrated Nativitial Season My significant other and life partner (with whom I am besotted beyond all measure) did actively cause me to receive:
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